The familiar adage, “Don’t throw good money after bad,” often transcends its financial origins, it extends to our emotional, mental, and spiritual investments too. It offers a simple yet profound lesson that applies to various aspects of life. It particularly resonates when contemplating the decision to remain in a controlling and toxic environment. In this context, the wisdom behind this saying encourages us to reevaluate our commitment to situations that offer little, if any, positive outcomes. When we find ourselves trapped in such an environment, whether it’s a toxic relationship, a stifling community, or an oppressive workplace, the temptation to stay, hoping things will change, can be powerful yet detrimental.
At first, it might seem like sticking it out is the right thing to do, especially if we’ve invested so much of ourselves – our time, energy, and emotions – into it. We believe that if we just try a little harder, endure a little longer, or give it one more chance, things will improve. It’s a natural human inclination to hold onto what we’ve already invested in, fearing that walking away means admitting defeat or failure.
However, as time goes on, we often realize that our investment of “good” – our well-being, peace of mind, and happiness – is only leading to diminishing returns. The toxic environment continues to drain us, leaving us feeling depleted and disheartened. We begin to see that no amount of “good” we pour into it can change the fundamentally toxic nature of the situation.
In such moments, we need to remind ourselves of the wisdom behind the phrase “Don’t throw good money after bad.” It’s a call to recognize when it’s time to cut our losses and redirect our resources, including our most precious ones – our time and emotional energy, towards something that truly nourishes our well-being and personal growth.
In my own personal situation growing up within the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) movement, I initially found comfort in its doctrines and sense of tight knit community. However, as I grew older, I couldn’t ignore the emotional toll it was taking on me. The stifling environment discouraged questions and critical thinking, encouraging control and judgment. The easy thing to do would have been to stay and continue to hope that things would change, or perpetuating the belief that I was deeply flawed, at fault, and needed to change.
Over time, I realized that my continued involvement in that community was akin to throwing “good money” in the form of my time, energy, and emotional well-being “after bad.” The emotional burden of living in a controlling and toxic environment was becoming overwhelming. Leaving that church and way of thinking meant departing from the community I had known for years. Leaving was a necessary step to regain my personal freedom and emotional well-being. In retrospect, the decision to leave was essential for my mental and emotional health, allowing me to explore my faith and values in a more authentic and fulfilling way.
Staying in a toxic environment, hoping it will transform, can be a futile endeavor. It’s not about giving up; it’s about choosing to invest in ourselves, our happiness, and our future rather than continuing to throw “good” into something that’s fundamentally “bad” for us.
Disclaimer: The experiences shared in this post are based on my personal experiences and perspective. I am not an expert, but I was part of a high demand community for the majority of my life. I acknowledge that I am on a continuous journey of growth and self-improvement. I am aware that I don’t always respond or behave in the perfect way, as I am only human. While I may stumble along the way, my intention is always rooted in creating positive interactions and demonstrating consideration for others. I hold firm to the belief that treating people with kindness and respect is of utmost importance.While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving path, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. The decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter.
I’m not an overly political person. I like to keep up on current events and know what is going on, but I tend to stay away from heated debates and partisan discussions. Instead, I prefer to focus on understanding the underlying issues, researching different perspectives, and making informed decisions based on facts and my own values.
I believe that being informed about politics and current events is essential for responsible citizenship, as it allows me to engage in meaningful conversations and make educated choices during elections. However, I also value maintaining respectful and open dialogues with people of differing opinions, recognizing that constructive conversations can lead to greater understanding and compromise.
While I may not be an activist or deeply involved in political campaigns, I recognize the importance of civic engagement. I vote in elections, participate in local community initiatives, and support causes that align with my values. By striking a balance between staying informed and maintaining a civil, non-confrontational approach to politics, I aim to contribute positively to my community and society as a whole.
One of the most important things I can do is vote! Your vote holds significance, and local government plays a vital role in shaping the quality of life in your community. Here’s why local government is of paramount importance:
Local government decisions have a direct impact on your daily life. They oversee crucial services such as education, transportation, public safety, and infrastructure. By participating in local elections, you influence how these services are funded, managed, and improved to meet your needs.
Local officials are often your neighbors who understand your community’s unique challenges. By voting in local elections, you ensure that your voice is heard, and your concerns are addressed by representatives who are intimately familiar with your area.
Economic development is greatly influenced by local government policies. Through zoning regulations, tax incentives, and infrastructure investments, they can foster job growth and enhance economic opportunities. Your vote can help shape the economic future of your community.
Local government is responsible for public safety, including law enforcement and emergency services. Voting for leaders who prioritize effective public safety policies contributes to the security and well-being of your neighborhood.
Environmental stewardship is another crucial role of local government. They implement policies related to conservation, waste management, and sustainable development, directly impacting the environment in your area.
School boards and districts are typically under local officials. Your vote in school board elections can affect the quality of education provided to the children in your community.
Local government is often more accessible and responsive to citizens’ needs compared to larger, more distant levels of government. Your vote ensures that your concerns are more likely to be addressed promptly and effectively.
Fiscal responsibility is a key aspect of local governance. Local governments manage budgets that affect property taxes and local services. Voting for fiscally responsible leaders helps ensure that taxpayer dollars are used efficiently and responsibly.
Local government plays a significant role in community building. They support cultural events, recreational activities, and civic engagement, fostering a sense of belonging and togetherness in your area.
Furthermore, strong local government serves as a crucial check on state and federal power, ensuring that decisions are made with the best interests of the community in mind. It helps maintain the balance of power and ensures that your community’s unique needs are not overlooked.
In conclusion, your vote in local elections empowers you to actively participate in shaping the governance and future of your community. Local government decisions influence all aspects of your daily life, making it essential to engage in the democratic process at the local level to contribute to a better future for your neighborhood and beyond.
Here is a link to learn how to register so you can vote in federal, state, and local elections. Click HERE to Register to vote at Vote.gov.
Few things frustrate me more than encountering people who refuse to take accountability for their actions, even when they are clearly in the wrong. In today’s society, it seems all too common for people to shift blame onto others or external factors rather than owning up to their mistakes. Through personal experience, I’ve come to realize the significance of accepting responsibility for myself and my actions.
There’s a certain integrity and maturity in admitting when we’ve made a mistake or caused harm. It shows a willingness to learn and grow from our experiences. However, when individuals deflect responsibility, it not only perpetuates a cycle of dishonesty but also undermines trust and damages relationships.
Accepting responsibility is about more than just admitting fault; it’s about taking proactive steps to make amends and prevent similar mistakes in the future. It requires humility and self-awareness to acknowledge our shortcomings and the impact of our actions on others.
Moreover, embracing accountability fosters personal growth and empowerment. When we take ownership of our choices, we reclaim agency over our lives and become active participants in shaping our destinies. Instead of being at the mercy of external circumstances or blaming others for our misfortunes, we recognize our capacity to effect change and strive to do better.
Here are some insights I’ve gained about assuming responsibility for myself.
Self-reflection: Taking responsibility involves honestly assessing your role in the situations that are holding you back. It requires self-awareness and the willingness to acknowledge your mistakes, shortcomings, and areas for growth.
Ownership: When you take responsibility for your actions, you empower yourself to make positive changes. Instead of blaming external factors or other people for your circumstances, you focus on what you can control and take proactive steps to improve your situation.
Learn from mistakes: Accepting responsibility allows you to learn from your mistakes and use them as opportunities for growth. Instead of dwelling on past failures or shortcomings, you can extract valuable lessons that help you make better choices in the future.
Empowerment: By taking responsibility for your actions, you reclaim your power and agency. You no longer feel like a victim of circumstances but rather a capable individual who can create positive change in your life.
Commitment to change: Being willing to change means being open to new ideas, perspectives, and behaviors. It requires humility and a willingness to step outside your comfort zone in order to grow and evolve as a person.
Adaptability: Change is often uncomfortable and requires effort, but being willing to change allows you to adapt to new circumstances and overcome obstacles more effectively. It enables you to let go of old habits, beliefs, and patterns that are no longer serving you.
Personal growth: Embracing change as a necessary part of personal growth and development opens up new possibilities and opportunities for self-improvement. It allows you to explore your potential and become the best version of yourself.
In a world where accountability often seems scarce, being someone who takes responsibility for their actions can set you apart. It demonstrates integrity, reliability, and a commitment to ethical conduct. By embodying these qualities, we not only elevate ourselves but also contribute to a more honest and trustworthy society.
In conclusion, while it can be frustrating to witness others shirking accountability, I’ve learned firsthand the importance of accepting responsibility for myself and my actions. It’s a fundamental aspect of personal growth and integrity, essential for creating trust, building relationships, and being a positive change in the world.
Disclaimer:The experiences shared in this post are based on my personal experiences and perspective. I am not an expert, but I was part of a high demand community for the majority of my life. I acknowledge that I am on a continuous journey of growth and self-improvement. I am aware that I don’t always respond or behave in the perfect way, as I am only human. While I may stumble along the way, my intention is always rooted in creating positive interactions and demonstrating consideration for others. I hold firm to the belief that treating people with kindness and respect is of utmost importance.While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving path, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. The decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter.
Five years ago, I was drowning in a toxic environment that suffocated my mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. The negativity and toxicity were like chains, binding me to a life of self-inflicted misery. I felt trapped and out of control! I wanted to feel better, but nothing I was doing seemed to help. I reached a breaking point and that is when I knew it was time to make a life changing choice to break free, to heal, and to thrive. I realized it was time to leave the toxic environment that was making me sick.
Making significant changes in my life, I let go of what was holding me back and embraced a new way of living, a new way of thinking. Once I made those drastic changes I realized just how much that previous environment was negatively affecting me. I now choose to surround myself with positivity, embrace healthy habits, and nurture my mental health and spiritual growth.
Choosing to make those changes wasn’t easy; it required courage, resilience, and determination. Yet, with each step forward, I felt myself becoming lighter, stronger, less anxious, and more alive. I wasn’t just surviving, I was starting to thrive. Now, five years later, I stand in a completely different place—a place of peace, joy, and fulfillment. I’ve learned that you cannot become well in the same toxic environment that was making you sick.
Here are some tips on how to let go of what is holding you back from thriving:
1. Identify the source: Recognize what exactly is holding you back. It could be negative thought patterns, toxic relationships, self-doubt, fear of failure, or past traumas. Understanding the root cause is the first step to overcoming it.
2.Practice self-awareness: Pay attention to your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. Notice when you’re feeling stuck or limited by something. Awareness empowers you to take action and make changes.
3.Challenge limiting beliefs: Question the beliefs that are keeping you trapped in a cycle of negativity. Replace them with empowering beliefs that support your growth and well-being.
4.Set boundaries: Learn to say no to things that drain your energy or bring negativity into your life. Set clear boundaries with toxic people or situations and prioritize your own needs and happiness. Be willing to cut ties with relationships that are holding you back.(This is extremely difficult , but absolutely necessary!)
5.Practice forgiveness: Let go of resentment, anger, or grudges that are weighing you down. Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning the actions of others, but rather releasing yourself from the emotional burden of holding onto past hurt.
6.Focus on what you can control: Instead of dwelling on things outside your control, focus on the actions you can take to move forward. Break your goals into manageable steps and take consistent action towards them. One day at a time makes an enormous difference with consistency!
7.Surround yourself with positivity: Surround yourself with supportive and uplifting people who encourage your growth and well-being. Seek out inspiring books, podcasts, or activities that nourish your mind and spirit.
8.Practice self-care: Take care of your physical, mental, and emotional health. Make time for activities that bring you joy, relaxation, and fulfillment. Prioritize self-care as an essential part of your daily routine. Self care is not selfish, it is essential!
9.Seek support: Don’t be afraid to reach out for help if you’re struggling to let go of what’s holding you back. Whether it’s through therapy, counseling, or talking to a trusted friend or family member, seeking support can provide valuable guidance and perspective. We are not meant to do things alone! A burden shared is a burden lifted. When we open up to others and share our struggles, we allow them to offer support, understanding, and perspective.
10.Celebrate progress: Celebrate your successes, no matter how small. Acknowledge the progress you’ve made and the steps you’ve taken towards letting go of what’s holding you back. Celebrating your victories reinforces positive momentum and motivates you to keep moving forward.
While I was suffocating in that toxic environment I thought that was just how my life was always going to be. Change is scary. The unknown is frightening! I was drained, mental, physical, and spiritually exhausted . Choosing to change required courage and resilience, but through embracing the change, no matter how frightening, and letting go of what held me back, I discovered a newfound sense of peace and fulfillment.
Is my life perfect now? Absolutely not! But I now have equipped myself with better tools to navigate life’s challenges. By equipping myself with these better tools, I am better prepared to face whatever comes my way. While my life may not be perfect, I have learned to embrace imperfection and view challenges as opportunities for growth and learning.
Surrounding myself with positivity and prioritizing my health allowed me to grow stronger and happier. True healing can only happen when we are willing to take that first step towards leaving behind toxic environments and embracing the unknown. Today, I stand as proof that transformation is possible, leading to a brighter future filled with joy and endless possibilities. The temporary discomfort was worthwhile!
Resources that I have found to be helpful:
A book that has been instrumental in helping me set healthy boundaries is incidentally called “Boundaries” written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Townsend. Reading this book was absolutely an eye-opener for me. Their insights and practical advice really resonated with my own experiences, and it helped me see the importance of defining healthy limits in all aspects of my life.
The book highlights the significance of recognizing our personal limits and how it’s okay to say “no” when something doesn’t align with our values or makes us uncomfortable. It gave me the courage to put myself and my family first and prioritize my well-being without feeling guilty about it.
When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community from Emotional and Spiritual Abuse by Chuck DeGroat. This book explores the issue of narcissism in the church. DeGroat, a counselor who has worked with many victims of narcissistic abuse, argues that narcissism is a growing problem in the church, and that it can have a devastating impact on individuals and communities. 10/10 recommend!
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Disclaimer:The experiences shared in this post are based on my personal experiences and perspective. I am not an expert, but I was part of a high demand community for the majority of my life. I acknowledge that I am on a continuous journey of growth and self-improvement. I am aware that I don’t always respond or behave in the perfect way, as I am only human. While I may stumble along the way, my intention is always rooted in creating positive interactions and demonstrating consideration for others. I hold firm to the belief that treating people with kindness and respect is of utmost importance.While I chose to leave the IFB to find a more gracious and loving path, it is important to acknowledge that individuals may have different experiences and find happiness within the IFB or any other religious institution. The decision to leave the IFB does not imply a loss of faith, as faith is a deeply personal and subjective matter.
In a world where kindness is often misconstrued as self-sacrifice and accommodating behavior, the importance of setting boundaries and standing up for oneself cannot be overstated. At times, societal expectations or the fear of disappointing others may tempt us to compromise our own well-being and values. However, learning to assertively define our boundaries is an essential act of self-respect and kindness. By embracing the power of self-advocacy, we not only safeguard our mental and emotional health but also foster authentic connections and cultivate a profound sense of empowerment. In this journey of self-discovery, we come to realize that true kindness starts from within, and honoring our boundaries enables us to navigate life with newfound clarity, strength, and an unwavering sense of self.
Not too long ago, I had a personal experience that taught me the importance of setting boundaries and standing up for myself, even in the face of pressure. A friend approached me to “volunteer” for an event they were organizing, but rather than a sincere request, it felt more like an expectation that I would unquestionably say “yes.”
I found myself torn between my genuine desire to help and a sense of obligation to say “yes.” I didn’t want to disappoint my friend, and I feared being seen as unkind if I declined. However, I also knew that I had other commitments and limited time to spare.
After some internal struggle, I mustered the courage to be honest with my friend. I politely explained that as much as I would love to help, I had prior commitments that made it challenging for me to volunteer for the event.
Instead of understanding my situation, my friend gave me a hard time. They questioned my reasons, trying to guilt-trip me into changing my decision. In that moment, I felt a mix of emotions—guilt, frustration, and a pang of self-doubt. I wondered if I was being selfish for putting my needs first.
But deep down, I knew that setting boundaries and respecting my time and commitments were vital acts of self-care. It was an opportunity for me to practice assertive kindness—to be true to myself while still being compassionate to my friend’s feelings.
In the end, I stood my ground, firmly but kindly reiterating my decision. It wasn’t easy, but it was liberating. I realized that I didn’t need to justify my choices or seek validation from others. My boundaries were valid, and I had every right to honor them without feeling guilty.
This experience was a lesson in self-respect, while also practicing kindness. I learned that setting boundaries is an act of love for myself and a step toward creating healthy and genuine relationships with others.
While I wish my friend had been more understanding, I also recognized that their reaction to my decision was not a reflection of my worth. Sometimes, people might struggle to accept our boundaries because it challenges their expectations. But that should not deter us from being kind to ourselves.
As I reflect on this experience, I feel grateful for the growth it brought me. I know that true kindness begins with respecting ourselves by setting healthy boundaries. It’s okay to say “no” when it aligns with our values and well-being. By doing so, we create space for genuine connections and enriching experiences that honor both ourselves and others.
I few years ago I came across a quote by Ann Voskamp that truly made me pause and reflect: “Façades only end up suffocating us all, it’s only telling the truth that lets you breathe.” This quote reminds me of a verse from the Bible, John 8:32, which states, “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.”
This post is one of the ones I mentioned I began writing years ago, and it remained in my drafts until now. I had so many feelings surrounding the topic of putting up a false façade, yet at the time I didn’t have the words or emotional capacity to fully express what I was thinking and feeling. As with many things, time and distance have helped me work things out.
So, what exactly is a façade? According to the dictionary, it refers to an outward appearance that is carefully maintained to conceal a less pleasant or credible reality. It’s like putting on a mask to hide our true selves. For example, someone might present a flawless public facade while privately experiencing stress and despair.
There are times when it feels easier to hide behind a façade, pretending to be someone we think we should be or trying to impress others. It may seem more convenient to maintain this false front than to embrace our true selves and invest the necessary time and effort to become who we are meant to be. Wearing a mask is easier than exposing oneself to the vulnerability of revealing the cracks and flaws hidden beneath. Sadly, we fool ourselves into thinking that the mask is preferable, and our true self is better off concealed, shielded from the judgment and scrutiny of the outside world.
It is not uncommon to witness a tendency within the church to favor the façades over authentic individuals. In our desire to create an atmosphere of perceived perfection or to uphold certain societal expectations, we often inadvertently encourage a culture of pretense within our faith communities.
This preference for façades can manifest in several ways. First, there is the pressure to maintain a flawless image. Churchgoers may feel compelled to project an image of having it all together, both in their personal lives and in their spiritual walk. This emphasis on outward appearances can lead to a sense of competition or comparison, as people strive to meet the perceived standards set by others. The underlying fear of judgment or rejection can drive people to wear masks, afraid to reveal their true struggles and imperfections, choosing to struggle alone masked by the façade that everything is ok. (I manifest this in my own life by developing high-functioning anxiety and imposter syndrome)
Second, there can be an inclination to prioritize conformity over authenticity. Sometimes, churches intentionally or unintentionally create and encourage an environment that discourages questioning, doubts, or differing perspectives. The focus shifts from genuine engagement with faith and personal growth to conforming to a predetermined mold. As a result, people may suppress their true thoughts, questions, and unique expressions of faith, fearing that they won’t fit into the expected norms.
The church’s preference for façades can lead to a lack of vulnerability and transparency. When people do not feel safe to be authentic, genuine relationships suffer. It becomes challenging to make deep connections and offer support to one another in times of need. The fear of judgment or rejection hinders the growth of an inclusive and compassionate community that accepts and embraces people as they are.
We are told “come as you are,” with the unspoken undercurrent of “as long as you are just like us,” subtly implying that acceptance may be conditional and conformity is the true measure of belonging.
We need to actively resist the tendency to uphold facades. It is only when faith communities make a deliberate effort to cultivate settings that promote authenticity, vulnerability, and acceptance that true progress can unfold. Encouraging individuals to bring their genuine selves, including doubts and struggles, is essential. Recognizing that authentic growth and transformation arise when we embrace vulnerability before God and our community, we must encourage an environment where openness is valued.
Church leaders play a pivotal role in this process by setting an example. They can demonstrate openness about their personal journeys, acknowledging their imperfections, and sharing stories of personal growth and transformation. Through such transparency, leaders contribute to creating an atmosphere where individuals feel empowered to be genuine, fostering a community that thrives on authenticity and mutual support.
We can prioritize meaningful connections and invest in building genuine relationships. This requires active listening, empathy, and creating spaces where individuals can share their joys, struggles, and doubts without fear of judgment. We can start by cultivating a culture of grace and acceptance within our lives and our churches, where people feel safe to be themselves and are met with love and compassion instead of feeling the need to put up a façade.
Disclaimer:The personal experiences shared in this post are based on my personal perspective. I want to acknowledge that I am on a continuous journey of growth and self-improvement. I am aware that I don’t always respond or behave in the perfect way, as I am only human. However, I hold firm to the belief that treating people with kindness and respect is of utmost importance. While I may stumble along the way, my intention is always rooted in creating positive interactions and demonstrating consideration for others.
If you haven’t read The Spirit of Fear Part One, please click HERE to start reading there first. Once you have read that you can come back and read Part Two.
Exploring the intricate layers of fear, its origins, and its impact in a religious context required delving into both personal experiences and the communal dynamics of the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) church and the community I was a part of. Confronting the Spirit of Fear is a topic that has taken significant introspection and courage to unravel its complexities.
The Bible often speaks of the fear of the Lord. Here are some examples from the King James Version (KJV):
Proverbs 1:7 “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction.”
Ecclesiastes 12:13“Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.”
Deuteronomy 10:12 “And now, Israel, what doth the Lord thy God require of thee, but to fear the Lord thy God, to walk in all his ways, and to love him, and to serve the Lord thy God with all thy heart and with all thy soul.”
Psalm 111:10 “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom: a good understanding have all they that do his commandments: his praise endureth for ever.”
In the context of these Bible verses, the “fear of the Lord” refers to a deep reverence, awe, and respect for God. It involves acknowledging God’s holiness, power, and authority. This fear is not about being terrified or scared of God in a negative sense, but rather about recognizing His greatness and living in accordance with His commandments. It implies a posture of humility, obedience, and devotion to God’s will. The fear of the Lord is often associated with the beginning of wisdom and knowledge, suggesting that a proper understanding of God is foundational to a life of spiritual insight and understanding.
This reverence, awe, and respect for God is not the type of fear that I am talking about here.
In the Bible, there are instances where God’s wrath is depicted as a response to disobedience, rebellion, or the violation of His commands. Here are a few examples that quickly came to my mind:
The Flood (Genesis 6-8): God, seeing the wickedness of humanity, decided to send a great flood to cleanse the earth. Noah and his family were spared, but the rest of humanity faced death due to God’s judgment.
Sodom and Gomorrah (Genesis 18-19): Due to the extreme wickedness of these cities, God rained down fire and sulfur, destroying them completely. Lot and his family were the only ones spared. Yet when Lot’s wife looked back she was turned into a pillar of salt. I have often contemplated the idea that, in a similar situation, I would likely turn to look back.
Plagues on Egypt (Exodus 7-12): In response to Pharaoh’s refusal to release the Israelites, God sent a series of plagues, demonstrating His power and demanding obedience. The final plague resulted in the death of the firstborn in every Egyptian household.
Korah’s Rebellion (Numbers 16): Korah, along with others, rebelled against Moses and Aaron’s leadership. In response, God caused the earth to open up and swallow the rebels.
Uzzah and the Ark (2 Samuel 6:1-7): Uzzah touched the Ark of the Covenant when it was being transported, contrary to God’s command. God’s anger burned against Uzzah, and he died instantly as a consequence of his irreverence. (I cannot tell you how many times I have thought about this particular story though out the years. Uzzah, not wanting the Ark to fall disobeyed and reached out and touched it. I too would probably try to help.)
Ananias and Sapphira (Acts 5:1-11): In the early Christian community, Ananias and Sapphira lied about their financial contributions. God’s judgment led to their sudden deaths as a warning to the church about the seriousness of deceit. (How many times have I lied or stretched the truth?!)
These examples illustrate instances where God’s wrath was manifested in response to disobedience, rebellion, or unrepentant sin. And while, as a child and maybe even as an adult, I was terrified that I was going to do something that was going to cause me to die instantly as a consequence of my sin, it’s important to note that these narratives are part of a broader theological understanding of God’s justice and the consequences of human actions.
A wrathful God sent His Son, Jesus Christ, as an expression of His love and mercy. The concept is rooted in the idea that humanity, due to sin, deserved divine punishment or wrath. Instead of condemning humanity, God chose to extend His grace by sending Jesus to bear the consequences of sin on behalf of humanity. Through Jesus’ sacrificial death on the cross God’s justice was satisfied, and a way for reconciliation between God and humanity was established. It reflects the belief in God’s desire for redemption and the offer of salvation through faith in Christ.
So, the question remains, should I be afraid of God?
Growing up, I received mixed messages about fear and love in the context of my faith. While I was told to “fear not” and trust in God’s love, the predominant teachings emphasized the fear of God and the consequences of sin. Despite the reassurance to cast away fear, there was an underlying narrative that positioned God as something to be afraid of – a divine figure ready to mete out judgment for any transgression. The dichotomy between the encouragement to trust and the emphasis on fear created a paradoxical relationship with God, where love and fear seemed intertwined. The conflicting narratives left a lack of understanding of a God who could simultaneously inspire love and evoke such immense fear.
Reflecting on this, it becomes evident that the juxtaposition of messages about God’s love and the fear of His wrath created internal conflict and confusion. This experience underscores the importance of consistency and clarity in religious teachings. It highlights the potential impact of mixed messages on an individual’s perception of faith and their relationship with a higher power. When told to love but simultaneously made to fear, the inherent contradiction can hinder the development of genuine love. Understanding that conflicting narratives can lead to internal struggles emphasizes the need for open dialogue, thoughtful interpretation of religious teachings, and a commitment to create a harmonious understanding of faith. Ultimately, seeking a balanced perspective that allows for both reverence and love in one’s relationship with the divine.
The perspective on fearing God varies among individuals and religious traditions. In a healthy spiritual context, fear of God is often interpreted as awe, reverence, and a deep respect for divine power. It is not meant to instill paralyzing fear but rather to inspire humility and a desire to live in accordance with ethical and spiritual principles.
However, if the fear of God becomes overwhelming, causing anxiety, crushing guilt, or hindering one’s relationship with the divine, it may be beneficial to explore a more balanced understanding of God’s nature, one rooted in love and grace. For me personally focusing on God’s grace helped to contribute to a healthier and more enriching spiritual experience than what I was used to during my time in the IFB. I also found that establishing healthy boundaries that prioritize my mental and emotional well-being involved distancing myself from that toxic environment and some IFB individuals.
I cannot honestly say that there are not times that I still feel afraid of God, but these moments are now intertwined with a growing realization. While reverence for the divine is important, I’ve come to recognize that the fear instilled in me was often rooted in a portrayal of a vengeful and punitive deity. As I navigate my own spirituality , I seek a deeper understanding of God—one that encompasses love, mercy, and grace, allowing me to approach the divine with a reverence that nurtures a relationship built on trust and adoration rather than fear and trepidation.
Disclaimer:It’s important to acknowledge that this is my opinion based on my own life experiences. It’s essential to recognize that not all people within IFB churches function in a state of constant fear. Some may be more openminded and respectful of differing viewpoints, acknowledging that genuine faith can coexist alongside diverse beliefs.People have diverse experiences and perceptions, and some may genuinely enjoy and benefit from their involvement in the IFB. I may disagree, but unlike what I experienced while in the IFB I do not intend to diminish or invalidate those positive experiences but rather seeks to highlight the complexities of personal perspectives and their role in shaping our understanding of the world.
As my time talking about my experience being part of a high-control religious group is winding down, I feel as if I have discussed many topics that have been important to my personal growth. The remaining few are the most challenging and time-consuming to articulate.
The Spirit of Fear within the the Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) church is a topic that has taken significant introspection and courage to work through. Exploring the complexities of fear, its origins, and its impact within this religious context requires a delicate examination of personal experiences and communal dynamics. Nevertheless, shedding light on these aspects is important for encouraging understanding, empathy, and initiating conversations that contribute to healing and growth within and beyond the IFB community.
While I am not inherently a fearful person, delving into the intricate layers of fear within the context of the IFB church has compelled me to confront my own vulnerabilities and uncertainties. Unraveling the influence of fear on both individual beliefs and the dynamics of a religious community necessitates a candid exploration of personal experiences and the broader cultural context. This endeavor has not only deepened my understanding of the diverse dimensions of fear but has also reinforced my commitment to navigating the intricate paths of faith and personal growth.
Growing up I remember being taught 2 Timothy 1:7 from the King James Version (KJV), “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” This verse emphasizes that fear is not a gift from God but rather something contrary to the attributes bestowed by a divine spirit, which includes power, love, and self-discipline. Despite the comforting message of this verse, my experience within the group was characterized more by fear than the promised assurance it suggests.
In my years within the church, there was a constant dichotomy between the soothing promises of peace and comfort and the underlying current of fear and dread. The teachings centered on the idea that following the prescribed path would lead to tranquility, but in reality, it often felt like navigating a minefield. The fear of misstepping, of inadvertently deviating from the established norms, cast a long shadow over the promised peace.
Instead of finding peace, I found myself in a perpetual state of vigilance. Every decision, every action, carried the weight of potential consequences. The fear wasn’t just a theoretical concept; it was a palpable force that shaped daily life. The teachings spoke of a loving and forgiving God, but the atmosphere was often one of judgment and condemnation. From the time I was a child I was indoctrinated with the belief that my every action, or inaction, might determine whether those around me find themselves in Hell or not.Let that sink in, even as a young child the literal weight of another persons eternal damnation was on my shoulders.I found myself dwelling on it constantly whenever I met new people.
In this environment, the promised comfort seemed elusive, drowned out by the drumbeat of anxiety. It left me questioning the authenticity of the teachings and whether the prescribed path truly led to the promised serenity. The dissonance between the spoken assurances and the felt experience became a defining aspect of my spiritual journey.
High-control/demand religious groups often employ fear as a powerful tool to maintain control over their members. The fear instilled is not just a random emotion; it’s carefully crafted to manipulate individuals into compliance. Whether through the threat of eternal damnation, ostracization from the community, or other dire consequences, fear becomes a pervasive force. The teachings might emphasize love and salvation, but the underlying message is one of constant vigilance and potential punishment. This fear creates a psychological and emotional dependency, making it difficult for individuals to question or leave the group, as the consequences are portrayed as too severe. It’s a tactic that goes beyond spiritual guidance, extending into the realms of spiritual and psychological manipulation and control.
Fear can be a powerful motivator, but if one claims to embody the love of God, relying on fear seems contradictory. The contrast between the professed message of love and the use of fear tactics raises questions about the sincerity of the teachings and the motives behind such approaches. It prompts reflection on whether a message of love should be more inspiring than fear-inducing. Shouldn’t a message of love inspire rather than instill fear? The tension between these concepts speaks to the complex nature of religious dynamics and the impact they can have on individuals seeking guidance and connection.
According to 2 Timothy 1:7, fear is not of God, yet it seems the church consistently relies on fear as a means of control. This contradiction is something I grapple with regularly. I still find myself wrestling with more questions than answers most days. Despite this, I recognize that I can’t live in a constant state of fear. While I may not have all the answers, I’m determined not to let fear dictate my path forward. It’s an ongoing process of sorting through teachings and understanding faith beyond the confines of fear.
In no particular orderhere are some things that I was taught to be afraid of during my time in the IFB:(Keep in mind I am painting with a broad brush)
Worldly Influences: Fear of secular ideas, entertainment, and cultures outside the IFB circle is instilled to maintain a distinct separation.
Backsliding: There’s a fear of spiritual regression, where members are taught to be constantly at church and church activities to be vigilant against falling away from the faith. You can read more about this topic in my post called Three To Thrive: Controlling Time (In more ways than one)
Divergence from Doctrine: There’s a fear of questioning or deviating from the established doctrines, creating an atmosphere of conformity. (You can read more about this topic in my post called Can We Just Agree to Disagree? Or Not?)
Non- King James Version Modern Bible Translations: Some IFB churches prefer only the KJV translations and express concerns about the accuracy or perceived liberal bias in other modern translations. In my personal opinion, it seems that IFB pastors may prefer the KJV of the Bible because of its archaic language, making it potentially more challenging for congregants to understand without guidance. This deliberate choice could create a dynamic where congregants rely heavily on the pastor’s interpretation and explanation of the scripture, creating a dependence on the pastor for understanding God’s word. In my personal experience when I began reading a translation that was more accessible and easier to comprehend, it became evident that the teachings from the pulpit did not always align with the straightforward message of the Bible. This shift allowed me to form a more direct and personal connection with the scriptures, highlighting the importance of personal understanding and interpretation in one’s relationship with God.
While the majority of the verses I have “hidden in my heart” are from the KJV, my approach to studying and understanding the word of God takes me beyond the KJV. When delving into the scriptures for deeper comprehension, I prefer translations that offer linguistic clarity and a contemporary context. This choice allows me to grasp the intended meanings without the linguistic barriers often associated with the archaic language of the KJV. Exploring various translations has enriched my understanding of the Bible, enabling a deeper connection with the timeless truths it conveys. In embracing diverse translations, I find a broader perspective that contributes to a more well-rounded interpretation and understanding of God’s word.
False Salvation: An instilled fear that any misstep or failure to adhere to their standards could mean that one didn’t experience true salvation. (You can read more about this topic in my post called The Pressure of Perfection Growing Up Fundamentalist)
Hellfire and Damnation: IFB often emphasizes the fear of eternal punishment for those who don’t adhere to their specific doctrines.
Cultural and Social Changes: IFB adherents may be taught to fear societal changes and evolving cultural norms, portraying them as threats to faith.
Interfaith Dialogue: Fear of engaging in open discussions with individuals from different faiths or belief systems.
Rock Music: those rebellious beats and non-traditional lyrics are just too much for their refined taste. After all, who needs a bit of rhythm and beats when you can stick to hymns? Don’t get me wrong, I love some of the classic hymns, but if Don’t Stop Me Now by Queen is wrong, then I just don’t know if I want to be right.
Personal Autonomy: Members may be discouraged from thinking for themselves and encouraged to rely heavily on the pastor and church for guidance and decision-making in all areas of their lives. (You can read more about this topic in my post called Abuse of Power Dynamics and Spiritual Manipulation at Places of Worship)
Democrats: Specifically democratic women like Kamala Harris: Vice President of the United States Nancy Pelosi: Former Speaker of the House of Representatives Hillary Clinton: Former Secretary of State and presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren: U.S. Senator from Massachusetts Stacey Abrams: Former Georgia gubernatorial candidate and founder of Fair Fight Action Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: U.S. Representative from New York
Some fundamentalists may be concerned about policies that they perceive as conflicting with their religious beliefs, such as abortion rights or same-sex marriage. However, it’s important to remember many Democrats also have strong religious beliefs.
Feminism: Especially those women who dare to speak up and speak out and challenge traditional gender roles within the family and church. (See “Democrats” for specific examples)
Abortion: The IFB typically oppose abortion, viewing it as morally wrong and against their pro-life stance.
LGBTQ+ Rights: The IFB community traditionally holds conservative views on issues related to the LGBTQ+ community. They often oppose movements advocating for LGBTQ+ rights and same-sex marriage.
Secularism and Atheism: IFB followers are concerned about the rise of secularism and atheism, viewing these as threats to their religious values.
Globalism: Seen as a threat to national identity and traditional values. IFB adherents may express discomfort with cultural shifts that they perceive as moving away from conservative principles.
Non IFB Churches/Other IFB churches: The IFB community, being deeply rooted in its own interpretation of Christianity, views religious pluralism as a challenge to their exclusive theological beliefs. They love to view themselves as up against the world. (You can read more about this topic in my post called The Pressure of Perfection Growing Up Fundamentalist)
Environmentalism: Some within the IFB community might be skeptical of environmental movements, viewing them as distracting from what they consider more pressing spiritual matters. IFB churches that heavily focus on “End Times” teachings tend to feel that there is no need to take care of the earth and environment due to Christ’s return being imminent. (You can read more about this topic in my post called Happy Halloween: The Scariest Movies I Have Ever Seen)
Secular Education: Some within the IFB community may be wary of secular education systems, expressing concerns about the influence of non-religious ideologies on children. Many in the IFB choose to homeschool their children.
Higher education institutions, specifically, are often viewed as potential avenues for exposure to secular influences. The process of education encourages independent thinking, encouraging an ability to critically evaluate information. Within high-demand and controlling religious contexts, there can be apprehension towards individuals thinking independently, as it poses a potential risk of uncovering shortcomings in both leadership and theological doctrines.
Drug and Alcohol: Growing up I believed that if I ever had even one sip of alcohol that I would immediately become and alcoholic and my life would be in ruins!
Healthcare Practices: Views on certain healthcare practices, especially those related to reproductive health, and more recently vaccinations, might be shaped by religious beliefs. As a health care professional, I have sooooo many opinions about this topic. I will be sharing my viewpoint in future non-IFB related posts. Long story short: I am a huge advocate for personal liberty and choice, but letting your pastor and church think for you is neither. Vaccinations are a life saving privilege! Prevention is priceless!
Immigration: Views on immigration can vary, but some IFB churches and members overly express concerns about the impact of immigration on cultural and national identity. Typically, IFB churches that strongly align with Trump’s views often exhibit opposition to immigration.
This could/should be it’s own post, but I will briefly share my thoughts on this here…The Bible offers a multifaceted perspective on immigrants and foreigners. It emphasizes the importance of welcoming the stranger, practicing justice and fairness, and recognizing the challenges involved in integrating newcomers into society. Here are some Bible passages to back up this statement (all shared verse are KJV):
Leviticus 19:34: “The stranger that dwelleth with thee within your gates, shall be unto you as one born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt: I am the LORD your God.” This verse emphasizes the importance of treating foreigners with respect and compassion, remembering their own experience of being strangers.
Deuteronomy 10:19: “And thou shalt shew love unto the stranger, as he that was a stranger thyself in the land of Egypt.” This verse reiterates the call for hospitality and kindness towards immigrants, reminding readers of their own history as refugees.
Exodus 23:22:”Thou shalt not afflict a stranger, nor deal hardly with him: for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt.” This verse specifically prohibits oppressing or mistreating foreigners, emphasizing the need for justice and fairness.
Deuteronomy 24:14-15: “Thou shalt not defraud the hired labourer, that is poor and needy, whether he be of thy brethren, or of thy strangers that are in thy land within thy gates: At his day shalt thou give him his hire, neither shalt thou let it remain with thee until the morning. For thou wast a bondservant in the land of Egypt, and the LORD thy God redeemed thee thence.” This verse highlights the importance of fair treatment for all workers, including immigrants, and reminds readers of their own history as slaves.
Matthew 25:31-46: This parable of the sheep and the goats presents a challenge to distinguish between those who welcomed and cared for strangers and those who did not. It emphasizes the importance of compassion and action in response to the needs of immigrants.
Romans 13:1-7: This passage encourages obedience to authorities, which could be interpreted as applying to immigration laws and regulations. However, it’s important to note that this passage also emphasizes the importance of justice and fairness within the legal system.
Matthew 25:35-40: “For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me. Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’”
Based on Matthew 25:35-40, which emphasizes compassion and care for those in need, Jesus would express a concern about the potential lack of empathy or hospitality in the views of Christian nationalists regarding immigration. Jesus, in these verses, identifies himself with the hungry, thirsty, strangers, and those in need, emphasizing that acts of kindness towards the marginalized are akin to showing kindness to Him.
In the context of immigration, Jesus would encourage a perspective that reflects compassion, understanding, and a willingness to welcome strangers. He would emphasize the importance of seeing the humanity in all individuals, including immigrants, and extending a helping hand to those in vulnerable situations. The passage suggests a call to treat others with love and kindness, especially those who may be considered strangers or outsiders.
Breaking free from these ingrained fears instilled by past beliefs and community teachings is liberating! By challenging and questioning these fears, I empower myself to embrace a broader understanding of the world, diverse perspectives, and my own ever growing and evolving beliefs. Releasing the grip of fear allows me to engage in open-minded connections with a diverse range of people and ideas. As I break free from the constraints of preconceived notions, I become unencumbered by the limitations of fear. This transformative process enables me to navigate the complexities and fears and anxieties of life with a newfound sense of confidence to embrace each experience I come upon.
Disclaimer:It’s important to acknowledge that this is my opinion based on my own life experiences. It’s essential to recognize that not all people within IFB churches function in a state of constant fear. Some may be more openminded and respectful of differing viewpoints, acknowledging that genuine faith can coexist alongside diverse beliefs.People have diverse experiences and perceptions, and some may genuinely enjoy and benefit from their involvement in the IFB. I may disagree, but unlike what I experienced while in the IFB I do not intend to diminish or invalidate those positive experiences but rather seeks to highlight the complexities of personal perspectives and their role in shaping our understanding of the world.
As we approach the end of the year, there’s a natural sense of anticipation and excitement that comes with the prospect of a fresh start. New Year’s embodies the idea of turning a page, offering us the chance to reflect on the past and look forward to the future with optimism. It’s a time when we set new goals, make plans, and envision the possibilities that lie ahead.
The excitement of new beginnings is like a gentle breeze, quietly whispering promises of growth, positive change, and the opportunity to create new memories. It’s a moment of renewal, a chance to reset and recalibrate our paths. As the clock strikes midnight, there’s a collective sense of hope and enthusiasm for what the coming year might bring.
Here’s to the simple joy of fresh starts, the quiet thrill of setting intentions, and the beauty of a new year. Wishing you a wonderful New Year filled with small victories, meaningful moments, and the joy of embracing the journey ahead. 🎉🌟
Sending you the merriest Christmas wishes, wrapped in love and sprinkled with joy! May your holidays be filled with the laughter, coziness, cherished traditions, and the beauty of the season. Cheers to a wonderful Christmas and a bright, happy New Year!
Looking Joli Good 